How to Communicate Anger Compassionately
Whether it is irritability or outright rage, anger is an emotion that everyone identifies with. Very few people know, however, how to manage this feeling in an assertive and compassionate way. If we end up raising our voice, yelling, or lashing out when we are angry, that is an aggressive expression of anger.Psychological surveys have indicated that about 20% of the population express anger aggressively. About 70% of the population has a tendency to suppress anger. In other words, they bottle it up. Bottling up these feelings often lead to “anger attacks”—these are infrequent bursts of rage that leave the person feeling very guilty afterwards for their behavior.
Given the above statistics, there is a 90% chance that you may not be communicating your anger in a compassionate way. What happens when anger is not communicated compassionately? In other words, what is the effect of either suppressive or aggressive anger behavior? Aside from destroying relationships and careers, the physical health affect of inappropriate anger management can be deadly. Our review of the medical literature of the last 25 years on the effect of inappropriate anger behavior on health suggests a direct link with heart disease. In fact, a person with high anger has a risk of heart attack that is three times more than someone who has low anger. It is also a fact that a woman is ten times more likely to die from heart disease than breast cancer with anger being an independent risk factor for the former illness.
If you are a person who suppresses anger, you may have a greater likelihood of getting depression than someone who expresses anger assertively. Women experience depression at roughly twice the rate of men. Study after study has indicated that anger suppression is related to depression and possibly even cancer. One of the symptoms of even mild depression is insomnia. Insomnia in turn can lead to a weakened immune function, memory loss, prevent tissue repair as well make you more prone to accidents.
As you can see, anger is not simply an unpleasant emotion. It can have a deadly influence on your health. However, note that anger per se is not the problem. It is what you do with that anger. So if you are angry with someone or some event, how can you communicate compassionately?
Compassionate communication of anger is a two-step process. The first step involves communicating with yourself so that you understand the spiritual significance of your anger. The second step in expressing your anger compassionately involves getting your needs met without harming others. It also means forgiving if necessary. Here are the two steps that you can take in more detail:
1. Communicate with yourself by reframing your anger. Instead of blaming the other person or event when you are angry, ask the question, “What is my anger teaching me about myself?” You need to shift the negative focus off the “other” person and direct the questions at yourself. In effect, you are engaging in an internal communication process. In fact you can harness this very powerful energy and use it for healing in the broadest sense of the term. Think of your anger as a doorway to some virtue that you need to learn. It could be that you need to learn personal responsibility, a greater sense of self-esteem, compassion or creativity. Anger is a barometer that can help you assess where you need to do spiritual work on yourself.
If for example you are angry because you have been abused in a relationship, the message of your anger could be that you need to stop being a victim. In other words, it is a self-esteem issue. It means loving yourself more. Loving yourself means realizing that you are one with everyone from a divine standpoint. It should not be confused with the ego belief that you are superior or inferior to anyone else. It means that you should not tolerate your own inner dialogue of criticism. It also implies that you may need to garner the courage to speak up when you have to. After taking corrective action to restore your self-esteem, the second step is to nurture it on a regular basis, so it continues to grow.
If you become victimized and are angry about it, then you have to ask yourself what mistaken belief patterns you are still holding on to. Your anger is simply sending the message that, “something is not right.” It is up to you to figure out what is not right in your belief pattern. Your task is to change these beliefs of unworthiness to beliefs of infinite potential.
While your anger can teach you about self-esteem, it can also teach many other virtues. For example, you may need to learn personal responsibility. Without personal responsibility for the affairs of your life, it is virtually impossible to succeed in any major area of your life. Although you may have legitimate concerns in your life, the important point, however, is your ability to respond to such concerns and your decision to learn from them. From a spiritual sense, a “problem” really does not exist. It is how you interpret and label the “problem.”
If you label your concern as a “problem” in your mind, then it is likely that you will face anger. The message of your anger is that you need to change your label of “problem” into a label of “learning.” If you are able to do this, this will solve 99% of your emotional pain. Often it is too difficult for us to accept personal responsibility because we think we are separate from each other and are not connected.
One meaning of responsibility is the “ability to respond.” Before you respond to a stimulus (e.g., an outside event or something someone said to you), there is gap between the stimulus and your response. It is within this space that you have the opportunity to think and choose your response instead of automatically doing what you have been doing all along (i.e., being reactive). It is not what happens to you, it is how you choose to think about what happens to you.
If you have found the spiritual meaning of your anger, you may not need any verbal or written communication with the “offending” party. Sometimes, however, you may need to verbally communicate. In this case, you can communicate assertively.
2. Communicate assertively with others. As a general principle, your goal for the communication is dialogue and not simply a one-way lecture. Further, your goal is to achieve a sense of peace at the end of the conversation by having a better understanding of the person and the situation. You will need to take the following steps to express your anger. Firstly, don't give feedback in the heat of the moment. Give yourself plenty of time to think about what you are going to say. It could be hours or days. Secondly, before starting the conversation, have eye contact with the person and smile. There are studies, which show that the act of smiling itself reduces tension.
Thirdly, listen to what the other person has to say by repeating or playing back what he or she has said. Fourth, praise the other person. Why? It will soften any criticism you are going to give. Fifth, start the conversation with “I” rather than “You” statements. Remember, you are the one who is experiencing the angry feelings and the other person is simply the “trigger.” There is no such thing as “blame” from a spiritual standpoint. Communicate your needs with statements such as, “What are your thoughts?” or “Here's is my request.” Finally, close the conversation with a positive note, such as, “It was good talking with you. I have a better understanding of the situation.” Sometimes of course, this kind of communication will not work. You may have to take physical action such as leaving a relationship or a job, for example.
If a person has left your life so that you cannot express your feelings, what do you do then? In this case, communicate through forgiveness. To forgive means that you erase a negative memory picture of someone with a positive one. It does not meaning condoning someone's negative actions. Rather it is learning from it. It is important that you learn to forgive that person, but not forget the spiritual lesson that was behind the experience. Until you forgive, the blocked energy of resentment will remain within you. Either of two things will happen: it might materialize as disease, or angry events will occur in the future in order that you learn the lesson of forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is so important.
Embrace your anger and learn from it. Instead of pushing it aside or expressing it aggressively, communicate with compassion so that it can aid you on your evolutionary growth to wholeness.
Reshmi Siddique is a psychiatric research scientist and Mahmood I. Siddique is a Clinical Assistant Professor of Medicine at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School , NJ . They are authors of the book, How to Turn Anger into Love: A Spiritual Guide . For more visit www. HowToTurnAngerIntoLove.com or call toll free 1(800) 247 6553.
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