Lighten Up! 10 Strengths to Dip Into to Lose Weight and Reduce Stress by Loretta LaRoche The following excerpt is taken from the book LIGHTEN UP! The Authentic and Fun Way to Lose Your Weight and Your Worries by Loretta LaRoche . It is published by Hay House (August 1, 2009) and is available at all bookstores or online at: www.hayhouse.com.. Beginning in August a PBS Special, Lighten Up! , will begin airing and air in 80 PBS markets nationwide. 1. Ask the Right Questions in the Best Possible Way Over the years, many people have shared a great deal of their problems with me. A lot of them have suffered profusely as the result of poor choices. Whether it's weight gain, problems with a partner, job difficulties, or numerous other issues, one of the root causes of making poor choices is the inability to ask ourselves the proper questions. We'd much rather spend our energy coming up with excuses for why we made the poor choices to begin with.

The questions we ask internally (those that are part of our inner conversations) and the ones we ask externally (to those around us) steer our behaviors and therefore our experiences. There are times when I've driven myself insane by repeatedly going over the same question about a specific situation. What makes me believe that if I become obsessed by it I'll somehow miraculously receive the answer I'm looking for? There are many well-known terms for this type of thinking, and I'm sure you've heard them: stinking thinking, magical thinking, automatic thinking, or irrational thinking. No matter what you call it, the outcome is always the same: You don't come out a winner.

Have you ever wondered about the following:

• What I should eat today
• How I gained this weight
• If I should go for a walk today or forget about it till tomorrow
• When I'll have some time for myself

Well, I'll wonder with you, but it won't do either of us any good. It just makes you spin your wheels without providing any direction. It merely sounds as if you're in limbo. This isn't a healthy way to create a feeling of self-worth. It simply implies that any old answer will do and that you're at the mercy of your own inadequacies.

Asking the right question in the best possible way will help penetrate your denial system. And the best possible question is a positive one. This isn't some airy-fairy means of communicating; it allows you to get a response that's in alignment with what you're seeking to enhance, which is better health and well-being. The Encyclopedia of Positive Questions provides one definition of this type of question: “A positive question is an affirmatively stated question—a question that seeks to uncover and bring out the best in a person, a situation or an organization. It is constructed around a topic that . . . is fundamentally affirmative.”

You want to have the best possible day filled with energy and enthusiasm, so why not start the day by asking yourself: What would be the healthiest thing I could eat for breakfast that would increase my vitality and get me through the day? I doubt that you're going to respond with: I think I'll have two burgers topped with cheese, bacon, and a big serving of fries! You might, but then as my mother often said, “You never know.” At least you'll find out how serious you are about making the right choices.

2. Think about When You've Been Successful and Which Skills Made It Possible

Most of us have an incredible ability to remain fixed on what's not working for us. If I regret any one thing in my life, it's the time I've spent “self-flagellating.” And I'm not alone—many of us have an internal whip that we keep beating ourselves up with.

It's easy to fall into this, especially when you've had a history of old inner messages that have continually made you feel like you're not “okay” or “normal.” However, if you went to school, graduated, held down a job, raised children, or have had good relationships; or if you've done something as simple as get out of bed and dressed yourself, you've created skills that have allowed you to persevere. What are they? I know one of mine is tenacity. It has been my greatest strength . . . at times, however, it has also kept me stuck. You have to know when to hang on and when to let go.

Think about your successes and how you attained them. Don't be shy about this. In your journal or in a notebook, write down everything that comes to mind as you assess your own strengths. For example:

• I'm a good writer.
• I can paint.
• I have good intuition.
• I'm well organized.
• I'm a good listener.
• I did a great job raising my kids.
• I'm a terrific boss.
• I solve problems creatively.
• I have a great sense of style.

3. Have a Vision

This may sound crazy if you're not familiar with visualization techniques, but bear with me. How do you see yourself? What “photograph” of yourself do you carry around in your head?

Many of us have created distorted images of ourselves. Women in particular have been taught to view themselves with a very critical eye. Over the years, I've coached beautiful, fit women whose primary focus (and obsession) had become getting rid of a sprinkling of cellulite on their thighs. It's as if the rest of them had disappeared.

If you discuss how you look or feel in negative terms, chances are that you also have strong feelings that resonate with those thoughts. You need to change your mental image in order to change your negative beliefs. I know it's easier said than done. If you think this is too difficult, however, find a photo of yourself when you really felt great about how you looked and felt, and use that to reform your self-image. If that's not possible, cut out some pictures that could realistically portray how you want to look. However, if you're 5'2" and curvy, then choosing an image of a six-foot-tall model who resembles a broomstick is not going to serve you. Seek out realistic pictures, not ones that are unattainable. It will only make you feel more inadequate.

This technique is often used by athletes to help them get to the top of their game. A friend of mine from Boston who was on the Olympic rowing team several years ago told me that visualization was a big part of her training. Her coach would get the team out on the Charles River every morning at 5:30 and have them visualize themselves rowing to victory. I've used this technique when I'm really on a roll with getting myself into a healthier place—and it works. (Check out Health Journeys, a company created by Belleruth Naparstek, which has all kinds of visualization CDs that I know can help you.)

4. Create a Support Group

I know that “group consciousness” can make a huge difference in whether a person fails or succeeds at something. How many hours do you think you've spent trying to convince other people that you aren't good at something by sharing all your weaknesses? Women are so adept at this, spending hours talking about failed weight loss, broken relationships, unruly children . . . blah, blah, blah.

It's okay to vent, and to laugh at some of the crazy stuff that creeps into your life—but outside of that, put a cap on it! Get together with your friends periodically to see how you can surmount obstacles, not make more of them. It will be hard because it goes against most people's instincts, but if you have a group that understands the rules, it's easier. You have to be willing to talk about what you want to accomplish, the goals that you've set for yourself, and the strengths that you bring to the table. Let everyone talk freely. Listen, don't interrupt, and take notes. Sometimes someone who isn't invested in your excuses can make a real difference in your life.

5. Challenge Yourself

We live in a world where everyone expects things to come quickly and easily. God forbid we should have to wait a few extra minutes for a cup of coffee or have to put up with traffic. Fast-food restaurants have become a metaphor for life: Get it fast and easy! It just may well be that as we've gone down this road, we've lost something in the translation. Consider the following startling facts:

• Rates of depression have risen in recent decades, at the same time that people are enjoying time-saving conveniences such as microwave ovens, e-mail, prepared meals, and machines for washing clothes and mowing lawns.
• People of earlier generations, whose lives were characterized by greater efforts just to survive, paradoxically, were mentally healthier. [Our] human ancestors also evolved in conditions where hard physical work was necessary to thrive.
• By denying our brains the rewards that come from anticipating and executing complex tasks with our hands . . . we undercut our mental well-being.

( Scientific American Mind, August/September 2008)

Evidently, we'd feel a deep sense of satisfaction when true physical and mental effort produces something tangible. Wouldn't it be interesting if the reason why so many of these diets in a box and other so-called easy weight-loss plans that we hear about day in and day out fail exactly because they're too easy? Maybe the real success in staying well mentally and physically is in discovering that the mind and body like effort. Perhaps that's what makes us thrive and survive!

6. Set Positive Goals

Making a commitment to yourself to look and feel better allows you to identify the barriers to your success and then realistically problem-solve. It takes effort to begin this process, but it can also be exciting and fulfilling.

Setting goals gives you something to strive for. In fact, everyone creates goals, both good and bad. You may not believe that there are goals associated with your bad habits, but if you smoke, for example, getting to the store before you run out of cigarettes is a goal (obviously not a good one). If you like potato chips, you're going to make sure that you always have a lot of them around. If you overeat in secret, it can take a lot of effort to plan the deception and hide the evidence.

So you no doubt understand the concept; you just have to switch gears. Try starting with short-term goals if larger ones seem scary. Take a little bit of the effort you took in planning to overeat, and plan differently. If you've been eating meat every night, substitute fish or a vegetable stir-fry for one of the nights. If you don't get much exercise, try taking just a half hour one day to walk or bike or do whatever floats your boat.

7. Take Action—Then Talk about It

There's no perfect time to begin anything—you just have to start doing it. Obsessing about all the times it didn't work isn't going to get you anywhere, and it certainly won't inspire you to get going. As Nike has often stated: “Just do it”!

You can only embody what you want to create, not what you want to eliminate. Changing your actions first is one way to bring your desired goals to fruition. You may fail again and again, but studies have shown that stopping bad habits often takes two years of contemplation and then a few more years to establish the positive behavior you're striving for. Look at how many years it took you to create an unhealthy lifestyle! It's only by doing that you can discover and create what works in the present.

The majority of us love to talk about what we're going to do. I can't tell you how many times I've said, “I need to lose weight.” If I had simply spent the time I talked about my desire to lose weight by eating less and walking more, it would be a moot issue.

Our fears get in the way, and we end up talking about what we're going to do instead of actually doing it. We need to try the trial-and-error approach. This is what children do: no little kid ever comes in the house and says, “I've been thinking about jumping up and down, and then rolling around on the lawn for a bit.” They just do it! Somehow as we get older, our internal critics take over and tell us not to act because we may be wasting time or may look foolish. But is anything more of a waste than continuing to do nothing?

Don't wait! You may die first, and then you'll be the thinnest person around.

8. Do It with Some Energy!

I always find it interesting that when people talk about getting into better shape, they usually sound depressed and anxious. It's rare to hear a person say, “I'm so excited! I've decided to make my lifestyle healthier, so I can really enjoy everything I do to the fullest.” I think that most people are so used to living as if their batteries need charging that they don't realize they can feel a lot better.

I don't think a day goes by without someone telling me they're tired. It's gotten to be almost epidemic. Primary-care physicians have reported that that is the number one complaint they hear from patients. Yes, life has become more complex, and most of us work too hard and don't get enough sleep. But packing on pounds, being stressed out, and not getting enough exercise make it all so much worse.

You can't imagine how much more energy you'll have when you get going and do it with a joyful outlook.

9. Tap Into Your Altruism

At one time or another, you've probably donated money to charities or volunteered your service as a way to express your generosity and empathy for others. Yet have you thought of the possibility that taking care of your own mental and physical well-being could be one of the greatest contributions you could make to your fellow humans?

When you're in good health, you tax the health-care system less; stay independent longer; and are a positive role model for family members, friends, and co-workers. If there are any individuals in my audience who have decided to simply ignore the signals of their poor health, I ask if they've had a family gathering of late in order to assign someone as their caretaker. Not for a crisis, but for the long term. If you've gotten very out of shape and been living an unhealthy lifestyle, it's likely that one day, even just going to the store for some groceries will become a problem. Who's going to volunteer their time to help you?

It's essentially a selfish act not to consider that other lives will be compromised if you don't pay attention to your health.

10. Use Your Compassion

The majority of us seem to have compassion for others when we sense that they've gone through hard times or tragedies. This is one of our greatest assets as human beings. However, it's often more difficult to feel it for ourselves. It takes courage and resiliency to make positive changes in our lives.

The amount of success you have will depend on your ability to forgive yourself with compassion if you hit the wall or don't meet your goals. Try not to berate yourself or indulge in guilty self-talk. That behavior won't serve you. You'll only end up feeling like a failure . . . and then what?

 

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