What Is Your Self-Worth?
A Woman’s Guide to Validation
Psychologist, philanthropist, and family advocate Cheryl Saban, Ph.D., is on a mission! What Is Your Self Worth? is a “call to action” for women around the world to take a look at how society perceives them, how they perceive themselves, and how women can adopt a personal mind set (choosing happiness). You can form new habits! You can find your voice! Unlearn a perceived lack of control over your life.
Uncover, rediscover, and express the worth that is innately yours, regardless of what others may say or do to make you doubt it. Your core authentic self is your truth—what you believe in and care about, where you come from, who you are. With a strong sense of self, you are able to view outside influences objectively—as merely outside influences.
She reveals the simple yet powerful truth about a woman's self worth through relevant research and by divulging her own personal life challenges and triumphs, including the horror of rape; the marginalization of divorce; the difficulty of single parenthood; and ultimately a fulfilling 20 year marriage and a dynamic, successful life. She has written Recipe for a Good Marriage and Recipe for Good Parenting . Her work has been acknowledged by Sen. Barbara Boxer, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, actress/activist Rene Russo and Ariana Huffington of The Huffington Post . She lives in Los Angeles. One hundred percent of the author's proceeds from this book will benefit women's funds.
What follows is an excerpt is taken from her book What Is Your Self-Worth? A Woman's Guide to Validation (Hay House, May 2009) and short interview.
What is your personal currency? What do you feel you have to offer to the world at large—and is that offering given the value, validity, and respect it deserves? Are you happy to be a female? When you judge yourself, as we all do, how do you measure up? Are you an equally treasured part of society? Are you predictable? Does being a woman ever make you feel compromised in any way? When you consider your worth as a woman, what comes to mind? This subject may expose emotions and responses that surprise you.
For example, what are the rulers or measuring tools you use? Do you think of:
Your marriage?
Your ability to provide for your children?
Your success in the workplace?
Your friendships and family relationships?
Your hobbies and avocations?
Your sense of well-being and fulfillment?
Your dedication to helping others?
Your faith?
Do you even consider your worth at all? Perhaps not in so many words, but the subject of worthiness or validity probably comes up for you time and again, and it's manifested by behaviors and gender stereotypes that don't serve you well. Does the idea of objectification conjure up significant images for you? (Think sexual plaything, object, and so on.) How about gender stereotypes? Have you ever found yourself automatically identifying with words such as weak, frail, or defenseless? Such adjectives are often used to describe women.
We live in an era when we're obsessed with obsession—a psychological disorder in which individuals become fixated on a perceived or imaginary defect in the way they look, so eating disorders, obesity, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and body dysmorphic disorders all fall into this category. Are we making the grave mistake of using such disordered thinking to regulate our overall perception of self-worth? Do we associate thinness with perfection or consider variations in body type as flaws? When we take into consideration that nearly ten million females in the United States are struggling with eating disorders, we may begin to wonder. . . .
Are we incapable of setting our own standards? Misconceptions and maladaptations to outside and inside influences can infantilize us into a state of helplessness. The “Cinderella complex” (a theory first described by Colette Dowling in her 1981 book of the same name) suggests that women actually fear independence and have an unconscious desire to be taken care of.
While it's possible that some of us have been preprogrammed with this particular mind-set, helpless is not the word I'd use to describe most women I know, nor should you be willing to attach that descriptor to yourself. However, do be aware that such an unconscious desire may indeed have been included in the bag of tricks you were given as a youngster, and it could invade your behavior when you least expect it. Here's an important note for you to jot down in your personal journal or diary: resist it. Play to your strengths, not your weaknesses. Confidence is your best asset, but it's also your most attractive fashion lure, if that's a consideration for you.
Why is it important to understand your true value or personal currency? I'm going to be bold and say that not only is it important to recognize your innate worth, it's critical that you do. Your survival and sense of well-being virtually depend upon it.
Discovering the Meaning of Worth
What does worth mean to you? How do you define or assess it? Is there a general measurement of it that holds true for everyone? Most likely, you've formed a conception of what self-worth and self-esteem are, but for the sake of clarity, it might be helpful to analyze these terms. We use them so often that their meaning may have lost potency.
According to the highly regarded Oxford American Dictionary, worth means “sufficiently good, important, or interesting to justify a specified action.” The thesaurus includes these synonyms: merit, value, excellence, caliber, quality, stature, eminence, importance, significance, and distinction. Such words help synthesize what can be tricky to define in a finite way.
The following list of terms may help illuminate the concept even further:
Self-esteem: the value, respect, and honor you have for yourself
Conditions of worth: the do's and don'ts, shoulds and shouldn'ts that you live by in order to feel appreciated and accepted by others
Self-concept: the organized set of perceptions and ideas you have for yourself
Self-actualization: a principle of human behavior stating that you strive to develop your capacities and talents to the fullest—that is, growing and enhancing the basic self
Self-efficacy: your expectation that you can effectively cope with and master situations, as well as bring about desired outcomes through personal efforts
Social stratification: the ranking of individuals into groups within a culture
Resilience: being able to withstand, or recover quickly from, difficult conditions
So how do you feel about yourself? Are you your number one fan? Do you flounder along in blind acceptance of other people's rules?
Keep in mind that our culture and environment typically stipulate markers or benchmarks for the establishment of mastery and validity. While such markers often provide the context for viability by measuring specific aptitude and/or ability for a particular undertaking (such as entrance to medical school), in other cases, cultural rituals and habits serve no greater purpose than to control our behavior. “Groupthink,” peer pressure, and media messages all exploit our vulnerabilities; and they can also coerce us to believe that we're not beautiful, smart, or worthwhile unless we conform to a specific mind-set. Take a moment now to let your mind float away from the culturally induced markers for validity you've been subjected to. Can you resist the incessant outside editing and altering that society subjects you to and see the incredible person you are inside? Can you feel validated and valued? Will you grant yourself that level of respect? Understand that when you recognize your innate worth, you're more inclined to strive to fulfill your potential, and having done that, you will be happy.
Women who are successful exude a sense of confidence in themselves. One of the things such individuals have in common is their ability to harness their own thoughts and behaviors; they bring a great deal of personal intention to their lives. They realize that they're the directors of their own destinies and therefore take a positive stance as they look forward. They're happy people—by happy, I'm referring to an experience of contentment, joy, or positive well-being. It's the sense that life is generally good, meaningful, and worthwhile.
Are you in that place? Do you think you can create that kind of life for yourself? Specialists in the field of psychology and behavior say that you can. Armed with the wisdom and reflections of hundreds of women who responded to my questionnaire about their worth, I will show you how.
***
TAKING INVENTORY: Recognition & Responsibility
“The whole theory of the universe is directed unerringly to one single
individual—namely to You.”
— from Leaves of Grass, by Walt WhitmanThe first step in acknowledging and accessing your worth, value, and sense of fulfillment is to take an honest personal assessment. Set aside some quiet time where you can have privacy and think.
Now take out your journal and a pen, and answer the following questions:
Are you happy?
What gives you joy?
What contributions do you make?
Do you feel acknowledged for these contributions?
Are your relationships fulfilling?
Do you nurture and enjoy your relationships?
Are you achieving goals that you set for yourself?
Do your activities and lifestyle contribute to your sense of worth and well-being?
Do you take personal responsibility for your actions?
Does something or someone else dictate how you should feel or act?
If you don't want to write down answers to these questions, at least consider them. And feel free to add additional queries of your own that are more specific to the particulars in your life.
An assessment of who you are and where you stand is vital to your ability to function freely in the world. Be creative, and assess yourself with flair. Does this sound frivolous to you? It shouldn't, for it's a joyful recognition of who you are. By evaluating and recognizing your abilities, you validate yourself, and you need to be able to do that before anyone else can validate you.
I've gone over all of the preceding questions myself, and I admit that the first few responses I wrote were brief and short on details. But as I allowed myself more time to think, I began to remember things about my life, along with how I truly feel about particular memories. My personal assessments and soul-searching answers to difficult questions have helped me get to know myself. The journal I've written all of this in has become my own never-ending story, and for me, it's a treasure.
FYI, when you assess and validate yourself, you're accepting the truth about who you are. This is not a form of surrender, although your insecure mind may take you to that conclusion temporarily. Please resist that. Accept your assessment as intentional recognition— which actually sounds more like power and self-determination than surrender. When you can accept yourself as an individual, you become even more credible as a participant in the collective .
Own It!
Assessing your life demands a certain level of pride, respect, and courage because it means you're taking responsibility for it. Responsibility also suggests ownership—of your feelings and actions, as well as the outcomes of your actions. The easiest road may not be your chosen path, and growing pains will be part of your overall development. Nobody said life and growth would be easy.
It's a good idea to learn to take responsibility at a young (that is, eager and absorbent) age. So if you're a mother, I hope you'll teach your children to be independent and self-assured when they're still little. Give them opportunities to work out their problems, which includes allowing them to fail occasionally so that they can figure out for themselves how to succeed. It takes courage to let your kids individuate away from you—but trust me, they'll benefit, and you'll feel a sense of accomplishment as well.
Individuation is a psychological term used to describe when individuals separate or distinguish themselves from others, and it's a big part of personal discovery . We've all done it—it's a natural, yet sometimes difficult, transition. If we have teenagers, we know how this feels, and we can be certain our mothers felt the same way.
When cultures, rituals, and customs establish constraints to it, individuating can be especially tricky. For example, in various parts of the world, females are continually stratified and marginalized: Many women are relegated to roles and duties prescribed by antiquated cultural mores and rules that make life difficult, arduous, and at times seemingly hopeless. Girls are routinely denied education, ownership rights, and power over their bodies. So the suggestion that they buck the system and take charge of their lives may seem as disingenuous as telling them to fly like birds.
Yet stories continually surface of women in dire, restrictive circumstances who manage to take action to change their lives for the better despite the odds against them. One notable example is Ayaan Hirsi Ali, who so eloquently shares her personal saga in her book Infidel.
Born in Mogadishu, Somalia, Ali has dared to criticize Islam, a defiance that could cost her her life. Her screenplay for Theo Van Gogh's movie Submission, which criticizes the position of women in Islamic societies, resulted in death threats against her. (Van Gogh himself was murdered in 2004 by a Muslim.) Despite the very real dangers facing Ali, and perhaps in spite of her upbringing as an obedient Muslim daughter, she's become an outspoken advocate for women and a political activist. Even though she now lives and works in an undisclosed location in the Netherlands, her story as recounted in Infidel reveals her deep convictions and unfaltering courage. Read it and weep . . . Ayaan Hirsi Ali is a true hero.
An Interview with Cheryl Saban, Ph.D.
There are lots of books about women on the market. What makes this book different from all of the rest?
Yes, there are plenty of self-help books on the market that offer plans to achieve happiness, success, and fulfillment – it's a testament to the fact that so many people are searching for it. But there are only a few books that focus specifically on a woman's sense of worth and empowerment, and fewer still that describe how a woman should go about acquiring equal participation rights to life's treasure trove. Frankly, based on the less-than-stellar report card the worl d has achieved on the overall status of women and girls, it seems pretty clear that more attention needs to be devoted to this subject, and I am passionately committed to raising awareness about it.
What is Your Self-Worth; A Woman's Guide to Validation collaborates with the reader by requiring introspection, and inspiring action. It uses historical perspectives, psychological theories, my own personal experiences, plus the wisdom of hundreds of women from all over the world to deliver the message. This self-help instruction manual-cum-journal provides women with the fundamental tools they need to recover and actualize their own personal power, and to be very secure about their own sense of self-worth.
Okay. What is a woman's self-worth, after all?
Self-worth is the value, respect, efficacy, and positive regard you have for yourself. It's self-esteem combined with the honor you bestow upon yourself for the positive impact you, as a human being, are having on the world. Your self-worth is related to your self-concept, which is the set of perceptions and ideas you have attributed to yourself. Ideally, we'd all be able to establish a set point for ourselves'– the center of our being which is unassailable - an unconditional feeling of positive regard – of worth regardless of outside influences. This obviously isn't the case. If your center or foundation as a person was built on rocky ground, your self-worth can be fragile and open to attack. For although self-worth is supposed to be the worth we assign to ourselves, we very often discount our worth based on what others say or do to us.
Why do you think self-worth is such a pivotal subject for women? Isn't it the same for men?
Women everywhere struggle with ingrained stereotypes that have been fiddled with and redressed over time, but never fully eradicated. We continue to feel marginalized in many domains of life. Yes, we've achieved much in most westernized countries. We can vote, but only since 1920. We hold positions in the government, but only recently and too few. The first woman was elected to the English House of Commons in 1919. The first woman elected to an Australian Parliament was in 1921. The first woman elected to the U.S. House of Representatives was in 1916 – ironically before we could vote. We're holding top jobs in large corporations, and Universities, but only a very small percentage of them. And though a few of us have broken through the glass ceiling, the cuts and scars we've endured are still there. The problem is that we haven't reached parity with men in any of these gains. Women make up more than 50 percent of the population; do 66% of the labor, yet receive only 11% of the world's income and own only 1% of the world's land. We're not represented in the rule-making arenas around the globe to the extent that we need to be. Women have had to work harder, longer, and worry and sacrifice more to accomplish the gains we deserve. If we don't have faith in ourselves – if our own sense of self worth is insecure or tremulous, we won't have the guts to stand up to the male-oriented mindset that by virtue of numbers alone, generally guides the decision-making process for the world. So, long story short, this expression – our possession of our feelings of self-worth is crucial.
What inspired you to write this book now?
Women are so close – so near the tipping point – you can feel it. There are strident reforms taking place all over the globe, yet the process of women gaining power seats, owning their own wealth, having access to safe and female-centric healthcare, occupying an even share of political positions, affordable higher education for women and girls across the globe, and putting an end to sexual violence is arduously slow. We need to pick up the pace, because the future for generations of kids is hanging in the balance. Women need to feel their own self-worth first, which, granted, can seem an impossibility if they have been marginalized in some way. But the continuing stratification and marginalization of women is precisely what makes my purpose that much more urgent. Girls need to learn young and early how to discern between the hype pitched to them by their individual cultural propaganda machine, the overarching zeitgeist of the era, and their own inner sense of truth. The high prevalence of depression, eating disorders, and other psychological and mental illnesses in our youth should be setting off alarms for all of us. Think about the kinds of seductive, persuasive messages we're exposed to on a constant basis. Girls are objectified as sexual vessels, and trained to crave certain body types. Does one really need to be dreadfully, life-threateningly thin in order to be considered pretty and accepted in our society? Is female genital mutilation a foregone conclusion for millions of girls in some African countries? Are baby girls as wanted and valued as baby boys? The truth our kids learn must include a strong woman's perspective and a powerful woman's voice – spoken, by the way, as loudly and with as much resonance as a man's. We are more than half of the population of the world. Our voices should not be a whisper. We should be the boldest, most beautiful choir on the planet. I intend to help pull that choir together, one note at a time if need be.
HOME - FEATURES - NEWS - FROM THE PUBLISHER
LETTERS - COLUMNS - MUSIC REVIEWS - BOOK REVIEWS
PLANETARY CYCLES - CALENDAR - ABOUT TLC - CONTACT US
CLASSIFIEDS - RESOURCE DIRECTORY
ARCHIVES - SUBSCRIBE - ADVERTISE - SEARCH
