What Would Happen If You Were Well?
What would happen if you were well? I mean, there's a certain modicum of responsibility and accountability associated with that. There can be greater joy, happiness, peace, fulfillment, flow of creativity, abundance and movement of body, mind and heart (emotionally speaking), available with that turf as well, to name a few of the benefits. Could you stand it??
This is a serious question posed semi-seriously but with respect, inviting your mind to ponder its depths. In my practice of 28 years, I have seen and heard many stories of individuals' physical illness, physical and emotional trauma and turmoil, family illness, marital illness, abuse, neglect, victimization, perpetration, and seemingly endless pain and suffering on all levels. I listen because I learn and can then assist with the movement toward healing. The incomplete grief is incomprehensible to many. People feel overwhelmed with grief, pain, stiffness and inflexibility of body and mind, mood swings, nausea, fear and worst of all, hopelessness. It's no wonder that the antidepressant industry is a multi-billion-dollar business.
To feel overwhelmed is to succumb to helplessness, feelings of being overcome, unempowered. The feeling is usually larger than the reality that produces the feeling. Empathically we understand, because we have been there or are there now, and after multiple assaults to the body or psyche our spiritual strength seems to break down with the rest of us. It is this area, above all, that needs to be addressed in order for the rest of the body to heal.
Today, after counseling with a friend, I realized that when relationships come to an end there is mostly a sense of failure on our part. What could we have said or done, or not said or done, that would have made the difference, both in the moment and all along? To think like this is unhealthy if one has truly been honest with oneself and the other over time. Melody Beattie, in her book Codependent No More, writes about how to stop controlling or trying to control others and start caring for yourself. To be able to read this book, and recognize oneself in it, takes great courage. To take the steps toward relinquishing self-blame and loving yourself is enlightening.
I can recall a significant yet unfulfilling relationship that ended many years ago, after which I lived with a lot of pain and remorse. I wasn't talking about it much with anyone, but at some point my mother must have seen it in me, for she uttered matter-of-factly, “It's not you.” These were simple words and could have been considered superficial, but they hit me right in the proverbial third eye, and lights went on flashing everywhere. “Oh my God,” I thought, “It really wasn't me!” I wasn't assigning blame to him—it was more like a major self-realization for me. In reality and clarity I could admit to myself that I had been a good person, wanted good for me and my partner, wanted things to work, and done what was in all our best interests (including his three children's) to stay in the relationship and “try to make it work.” Ultimately I had to let go, as it was not equally and mutually supportive, loving or conscious. To give too much and compromise is not balanced. It's codependency, and it is not healthy. It's thinking “how can I please the other and be accepted or loved?” Often this is at the expense of being true to oneself. Resentment, anger, passivity or aggressiveness are usually part of the relationship scenario. Unhealthy relationships reflect unhealed issues, which can manifest in unhealthy bodies. This is heavy stuff, and often stuffed into unconsciousness. People eat, drink and consume substances to ward off feelings of frustration and lack. It's no wonder we become ill.
Many people spend a lifetime attempting to figure out what they are doing to attract unhealthy relationships. I finally realized, at least for me, that what attracted this was that I was needing to learn the lesson of loving and accepting myself. I was given multiple opportunities over many years to get this lesson loudly and clearly. When we are tested by someone entering our world who would mistreat us with words or actions, do we allow that, or do we tell them that their behavior is unacceptable? That person needs to learn the same lessons. He or she is not loving and respecting him- or herself, or he/she would not be treating you that way. We are all extensions of one another, the greater whole. If we allow it, over time we erode our self-confidence and sense of self and we give our power to another, which is not supportive to him or her either. This is a big key. We would have more peace if we were peaceful with ourselves, and we would be able to assist others to learn to act more peacefully—at least towards us—or get out of their way. If we don't allow abuse, the other person either gets the message and changes, or goes away. Either way, you have made a large deposit in your self-esteem bank account. I discovered that when I really got this lesson I stopped attracting abusers, or if they did appear there was no lure to get involved.
Usually we feel overwhelmed when allowing too much inequality in our lives. When a parent dies, a child is doing poorly in school, our spouse is withdrawn and uncommunicative, we're grabbing fast food for lunch everyday or skipping nourishing the body throughout the day, we have been fired from our job or our boss is a bully, the car is in need of repair again, the dog or cat is not eating—when any or all of these or other things occur within a short period of time (and individual tolerance is variable), our emotional fibers get unraveled. If we build on our spiritual strength through prayer and meditation and with healthy thoughts, words and actions, we will be more aware of when to let go of a relationship or situation physically, emotionally and/or spiritually. This gives a healthy message to our bodies at the cellular level. It is not simple, and we are tested daily—sometimes many times daily. Some people thrive on drama. Eliminating it as much as possible is very healing. Counseling sometimes helps if done with empowerment in mind. Grief work and other support is available.
There are many physical ways to support the body to minimize becoming overwhelmed. It is important to attend to thyroid, adrenal and other hormonal health. The elimination system needs to be functioning properly. Food must be being assimilated. Healthy food and water must be the mainstay of our daily consumption. Exercise, breathing and other stress-releasing techniques need to be part of our regimen. Biochemistry needs to be optimally detoxified and supported. Sleep, rest and relaxation have to happen in adequate amounts. Organs need to be functioning well. There has to be room for frequent laughter and lightheartedness. Altitude to see situations, Attitude towards our situations, Gratitude for the blessings, Forgiveness for the judgments—these are keys.
Wellness, as many have said, is a state of mind. It is also a state of body. Body and mind co-create. This is a decades-old concept. If we truly embraced this, we would be impeccably more disciplined with our thoughts and the words that create our mental and emotional states. We would treat our bodies and others' minds and bodies with infinitely more respect, and remember to see all the colors and beauty of life. What else would it take for you to be well? I invite you to take personal inventory of yourself. Are you willing to be more responsible for your realities, stop blaming others and yourself, let go of righteousness and indignation, give and receive love? If so, you will be well—at least, you will have inner healing and health, which can manifest physiological healing. Grieve your losses, forgive your judgments about your losses, and eventually the feelings of beicoming overwhelmed will change to greater calm and ability to flow with life's challenges. Do you want to be well? Are you ready for the accountability?
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